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There is Nothing You Donut Reveal

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donut of deduction_opt

Sherlock Holmes may have been on to something.

That whole deduction thing he did? With the looking at some guy’s watch and knowing that he comments on youtube videos and sleeps with a chainsaw under the bed? That had legs.

I may not be quite to that level yet, but I do think I’ve got a new system going on. A system based entirely on donuts

donut of deduction_opt

Your donut choice says a lot about you. Are you indecisive? Are you practical? Did you wish you’d gotten your PHD in parapsychology instead of taking over the family hardware business? All this and more do you reveal to me when you use that stupid effing tissue to pick out your bear claw.

And can we talk about that damn tissue? What is it supposed to do, really? Be sanitary? Guess what, FDA, if I see somebody paw a bunch of pastries using that infernal sheet, I’m just as grossed out as if they did so with their naked meat hooks. All it does is get in the way when you’re trying to sneak eat your danish in front of your gluten free son.

That’s something you can tell right away about a person: if they eschew the tissue then they clearly hold themselves outside and possibly above the judgment of others. They may be sociopaths.

If they do use the tissue, then they probably vote often and have no moving violations.

Another instant tell: sprinkles. If the subject chooses a donut sprinkles then they are not, in fact, interesting. They work in either billing or pet insurance and are desperate to fuel their delusion that people will miss them if they are abducted by aliens.

If the subject chooses the sprinkle-free donut option, then they do woodworking either professionally or as a hobby, are completely monogamous, and have faced death at least once.

There’s more, much more, obviously. What I’ve shared is the merest French-rolled cuff of the Guess Jeans of a person’s character. Take this, internalize it, and see what miracles of deduction you can work.

Next time, we’ll cover cream-filled versus jelly.

Comments (2)

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Thanks a lot.

By florawest on March 22, 2015 at 6:55 am

I bring my own waxed tissues from home. That’s cool, right?

By Johnny Midtown on March 26, 2015 at 8:42 am
Father's Day